This had to be the longest week, ever… in addition to all the waiting the suspense of the match, my grandfather broke his hip. So there’s been the stuff surrounding that, along with the considerations of what kind of care you give to someone who is 91 years old. It didn’t help too that the hospital my grandfather went to was the same one my father was at. I was already missing my Dad so much, I wanted to call him to tell him I matched and it’s just … I don’t know what to say about it but it so painful that he’s not here. Really sucks. :(

Switching keys, last night at the match day party, my one friend said – wait a minute – someone hired us as doctors! Insane ;) Hopefully they won’t regret it!!

My grandfather is safely in a nursing home now :) I know that they will take very good care of him and all of his needs right now. :)

I think I’ve been in denial about it though. I’ve been talking with my family, and I do my best to try to help them understand what’s going on, what to expect etc as far as his medical conditions go. (As a side point, I do think medicine does a horrible job about letting the patient and families know what is going on!) I just automatically go into this role where it’s just a medical condition or problem and its just that – most importantly it’s not my grandfather, it’s just an 90 year old patient. I was then talking about the situation with a friend of mine who has done her geriatrics rotation (I have mine last in May) and it really started to hit me that what we were talking about was my own grandfather.

I don’t know how I convinced myself of this, but I think I honestly thought that my grandfather would just continue to live forever. Papa talks like he is, so why not just believe him – especially considering that he might die is terribly painful. I had one dream in college where he died and I woke up screaming, so the notion that he might not be here any longer is almost too much for me to consider.

I think I’ve spoke before about my grandfather and what an amazing grandfather he was. I don’t think my grandfather really was able to be a good father to my mom and aunt, but as a grandfather there was no one better. He really got me interested in science and figuring things out – he always told me that if I had a problem, I should just think about it and I would eventually think of a solution. So we would talk about various things that weren’t working and try and figure out how to fix it or make it better. I do think that it was his influence that helped me become interested in medicine.

I realize that my grandfather hasn’t been the person he was when I was growing up, or the person he was five years ago. When I see him though, I still hear the same grandfather who I love – and he greats me as he always did, with a wonderful huge smile. Although who I am, and what wonderful memories we shared might be fading away, I can still say goodbye to him slowly, and let him know what a great influence he had on my life, and that brings me a lot of comfort. :)

So my trip was cut a little bit short since my grandfather is in the hospital. My dad let me know that he was in the ER and being admitted on Saturday, but since there was no medical emergency I figured I would just leave first thing on Sunday. My grandfather had been increasingly erratic, wandering, and falling and he needed to be under a watchful eye that was just too much for my parents. Papa has been needing a lot of care from my parents lately, and it is very hard on them because they both work full time. He didn’t have a stroke, but he is dehydrated so they are keeping him in the hospital so they can fill his tank back up. He’ll also be going to some kind of care facility because his needs are outside of what my parents can provide. Papa has lived with my parents for many years now – around 5 I think.

When I visited him I was prepared for the fact that he would not quite be himself. He was very happy to see him and seemed more or less like himself in some ways. In other ways not so much, his upstairs is definitely not in working order. The conversation was quite normal sometimes, and then I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about at all. He told me many times though, as he always does, that he is so happy to be alive, how much he loves his family, and how he wonders how this whole world came to be. I can remember talking with him as a kid about how the world came to be, so it’s an old comfortable subject. He kept on referring to me as his daughter – his favorite daughter (but then said he told each of his daughters that! ;) ) so I’m not sure he quite knew who I was, but the smile on his face when I came in, and him telling me how much he appreciated me coming really is more important than who I am in at this point. It brings him joy and I’ll take that. :)