I’ve been on night time duty this month so far and it hasn’t been too bad. It’s a different change of pace and there is much that I feel comfortable doing that a few months ago I would not have. Progress :)

Overall though, I remember 2nd year of medical school being the dark year – the year where you question what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and why your life is just so miserable. I’m sure internship in the end will turn out to be the dark year of residency but trying my best to work through it with a smile, even though some days I just come home and I cry. :( Sheer exhaustion doesn’t help the cause either though!!

I can’t believe fall is here – the air is much colder and soon enough there might be some snow. I love snow, and I look forward to the first magical snowfall of the year. :) I don’t really like the cold very much though, but at least at work I don’t have to change what I wear much – just bring some kind of extra fleece along for the cold hospital nights. :)

And how are things going for you :)

So to antagonize the dreary, in the dumps posts of late, I’ll talk about what I like about starting internship.

I like being able to be who I want to be in medicine. We all have different ideas about what kind of doctor is best – some people like bluntness, others like things to be said kindly, some want compassion, others want efficiency… I think it’s most important to be who I want to be and act how I feel I would want a doctor to be. The one antagonizing point about that is that it’s really not about me. It’s about the patient and what they want in a physician, so learning how to be a little more fluid in your style – being direct when needed, softer when things are upsetting etc is important. Reading faces and body language is important. Learning good chit chat is good. Either way, I like not being some poor tossed off medical student and a real member of the healthcare team.

Speaking of which, I did work with a medical student today, and I liked that very much. I was involved with a student run clinic during my time in medical school and it was very important to me. One of the reasons why was being involved with medical education. It’s hard journey so far, and I like to try to be a positive part of the journey and provide an encouraging friendly environment with lots of learning. It’s hard when you need to get things done and the medical student is kind of lost and needs guidance. But I remember when I was there and how much I just wanted someone to help me out – or just acknowledge that I needed some help and an attempt would be made later if there were pressures on time. I feel as though I’ve started to kind of rag on the experience of being a medical student – and there were so many moments I was so happy and proud of what I was doing. But there were just as many painful, awkward moments… so I would like to aspire to helping in those moments one faces as medical student during my time as a resident!! :)

I also like to write orders. It’s like when you’re a kid and you watch a grown up do things, and now I’m a big girl :) So it feels pretty cool! :)

So being an intern so far hasn’t been exceedingly awful. When you’re a med student, sometimes you need to ask people things or find out information. For the most part (to be brutally honest) you’re given a look as though you have three heads, given a good sigh of annoyance, and then if you’re lucky someone helps you. But luckily, interns are a little higher on the totem pole so people are much more willing to help you out. Plus, there’s the leverage of actually being able to write orders that helps people be a bit more pleasant to your questions. Questions that are always so obvious too – like you couldn’t find a form and there it is, right beside you. ;) Opps!! It has also been fun the variations on my last name, I put an accent on my ID card and people try. I appreciate their effort, but their attempts are always worth a smile. :)

The thing that is hard is the hours. I do miss being at home with Wolfie and relaxing. I know it’ll get easier when I’m more used to the schedule and the such but compared to the extremely light schedule of 4th year this is quite the shock!

I had my first call and it was pretty rough. I’d say this has been the worst part so far. I fell asleep in the chair two times, suddenly woke up noticing that !!10 minutes went by!! and that was my rest for the call. It wasn’t hard to be awake so long, but I just wanted it to end so I could shower. I love to shower in the mornings and I feel all off if I don’t.

Overall though, it’s been good. It’s hard to move from the med student role where you don’t say much of a plan and you just are the information gather, to then formulating a plan while in the room. All in good time. I know this is what I want, and this is the way to get it, so this is the road I am on and that is that.

I did have a lovely surprise post call :) Flowers and Pie!!

The pie recipe is here. :)

I had my first call which was extremely long and included no sleep. Hopefully they get a little bit better, I was one stinky mess! But having such a cute poodle at home made it better :) (if you can’t see the video click here)

I survived! It was overwhelming at times, hard to use any sort of common sense since you’re all flustered, painful, but it was pretty cool to hear Dr. Goofy Girl :D More to come later, but I do need some sleep!!

Orientation is over, real internship is here. I’m pretty nervous – this whole year is all about learning and becoming a new role… I know it’s going to have a ton of those painful learning moments – I had many of those delightful times during 3rd year of medical school and know they will only be more poignant. I’ve got to get to bed though, my life starts much earlier now!!!

I have my first real day on Wednesday. I’ve been in orientation thus far, but the real scary stuff begins on Wednesday.

I found this very interesting article “Taking Time for the Self on the Path to Becoming a Doctor” in the NY Times that I’ve been circulating around, and even been sent to me :) Here’s a clip, and I hope you read the whole thing.

Over the next two weeks in hospitals and medical centers across the country, new medical school graduates will begin their internship. Among their many worries — moving to a new city, meeting new colleagues, adjusting to medical training — is a more profound, existential concern that had once plagued me.

Do I have to lose my self in order to become the doctor I want to be?

I learned the answer to that question partway through my internship. Not in the hospital but in the checkout line of a local grocery store.

The customer in front of me was an older woman — she wore a faux camel-hair coat and had hair dyed a matching color. I remember that she had wanted her groceries bagged in a particular fashion, but the sales clerk, a young woman with impossibly long pink acrylics, was perplexed by the woman’s demands.

I felt as if I had stepped into an avant-garde theatre production. Each time the young woman bagged the groceries, the older woman admonished her and asked her to go through the process yet again. The muscles of my jaw tightened with each round of bagging, and even though I was off for the day, all I could think was: I’ve got sick patients to take care of, I can’t wait for this!

Unable to bear it any longer, I stepped forward and bagged the woman’s groceries myself, shoving the plastic bags into her arms while resisting the urge to push her on her way. I imagined steam rising from my head as I ranted. But a part of me was as shocked as the people still standing in line. I had never lost my temper in a store, and I had never raised my voice in public. Now, a few months into internship and with a three-minute provocation, I had the capacity to act like a grizzly bear sprung loose from a trap.

I walked out of the store horrified. That night thinking back on the event, I grew more ashamed of my behavior. But I also realized that it was not the first time I had snapped. Over the previous months, I had thrown myself into my work and shunned everything I once enjoyed and nearly everyone I loved. I believed I needed to do so in order to become a surgeon.

But I had lost my self in the process, and the stress made me irritable. I was no longer the nonconfrontational person I once was.

I had, for example, raised my voice a couple of days earlier at a receptionist in the radiology department when she couldn’t schedule my patient for a CT scan. I had scolded a nurse who had had the misfortune of being the fifth person to page me as I scrambled to finish a procedure. And only a week prior, I had squabbled with my family after my mother innocently asked, “Why do you have to work so hard?”

My attending gave me match day off, and so two of my good friends came over to get our results. It ended up being anticlimactic – after all this time I’m not sure any result really compares with the all the drama of the match. It’s a mixed feeling I have about it. Anyways, leave me a comment and I’ll email you back where I am – I don’t think it’s a good idea to post it :)

Some relief, I did match :) I will have a place to go next year – and I will become an obgyn :D

This waiting is stressful, very stressful. Yuck. I tend to be pretty internal when I’m stressed out – not necessarily one who likes to talk it out. Especially since there’s nothing that will be changed at this point, it’s just a decision floating out there I’m not privy to yet. ;)

So trying to take my mind of things today and going to Cape May when I get back from the clinic. The weather isn’t perfect or anything but found a cute Bed and Breakfast that allows pups – a funny coincidence called the Doctor’s Inn since well, I’m trying to get away from thinking about this doctor thing! Should be fun to visit someplace new, some wineries in the area, and just wait out this stressful period. Or go find someone who will put me in a medically induced coma till Thurs. ;) hehe!